When I was 6, my parents found out they were expecting again. Considering the 10 years they’d waited for me and then more for this child, we were all so excited at the thought of this baby. But, at 5 months, my mom miscarried. I don’t remember much about that time, just that while my mom went to the hospital to have the procedure, I went to Aunt Paulette’s.
Going to Aunt Paulette’s was not out of the ordinary for me. Her house was as much mine in my mind as my own. Actually, it still is. For me, her house wasn’t one where you knocked or rang the doorbell, you just walked in the backdoor and asked who was there. This is where I spent most summer days and where my larger extended family often gathered because Aunt Paulette’s was where Granny lived.
The loss of the baby was the first time in my life that I knew in trauma. I probably wasn’t as aware of what it was then as I am now, but I do remember the shock and hurt of the event. We often want to shield children from pain and trauma. We want to protect them from any type of hurt. I think we do this because we think they can’t handle it. That’s probably true unless we walk through it with them. What Aunt Paulette did in the time of crisis for me and for my mom has never been forgotten.
Some memories are fuzzy now, but there are several vivid things that stick out to me during this time of trauma in my family.
- We went shopping- I know that seems trite, but we went shopping for my mom. We went to Belk in Pine Hills and picked out a beautiful pink nightgown and matching robe for my mom to wear when she came home from the hospital to recover.
- We talked about the baby- There are very rarely elephants in the room with Aunt Paulette. We found a way to talk about what he may have looked like, how he would have acted, all of those things.
- We prayed- We prayed for my parents, for me, and we thanked God for his sovereignty. Sovereignty wasn’t really a concept I understood at 7, but I was beginning to learn that God is in control of all things and always has ultimate say in outcomes.
As we are in an odd time of crisis, the lessons I learned from Aunt Paulette during my first memory of trauma are very valuable.
- Do something for someone else- I know we are keeping our distance. But maybe banana bread to a neighbor or takeout delivered to someone’s doorstep.
- Talk about it- Talk with your children about their fears, about truth, about hopes, dreams, anything. Don’t isolate within your own home, come together.
- Pray- It seems so simple. But how many of us believers are almost so stunned by the rapid, odd turn of events we’re not even sure how or what to pray? Teach your children to pray. Pray with them. They might not understand it all, but they will forever remember it was your response during this time.
I’ve used Aunt Paulette’s method of dealing with crisis/trauma over and over in my life. She probably doesn’t even know she did this, it was probably just a reaction because it was how she had dealt with trauma. Learning is funny that way… more is caught than is taught.
Trauma and crisis don’t have to define us. They don’t have to define our kids. How we respond to trauma and crisis will help them as they grow and inevitably face crisis over and over again. It is our job to teach our children how to respond in these times, to teach that God is sovereign and loving, willing that none should die but all should come to eternal life.
“Imprint these words of mine on your hearts and minds, bind them as a sign on your hands, and let them be a symbol on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write the on the doorposts of your house and your gates,”
Deuteronomy 11: 18-20
