Tag: divorce

“Then the Lord said to Joshua, “Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you.” So the place has been called Gilgal to this day.”
Joshua‬ ‭5:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Shedding Someone Else’s Shame

As I stood with a family friend in a local retail store, she began to unpack her story. It was a story of hurt, deceit, unfaithfulness, heartbreak and the years spent hiding the crushing those actions performed. For several decades, this wife and mother, had stayed imprisoned by her situation because of one simple word — SHAME.

At times in life we make words prisoners of our mind, because to say them would be to voice the very thing we do not want to admit. So locked away, inside hearts are expressions we refuse to say because the reverberation off our vocal cords would make the reality to real. Making it real means having to face the giant that it is.

Honest, unspoken words like – abused, divorced, unfaithful, abandoned. Brene Brown, author and shame researcher says “shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”

Shame works a lot like these words steeped in silence and hidden in hearts. Locked up as a prisoner of emotion chained to the walls of our brain where it lies haunting the thoughts and dreams of life. Shame is a prisoner holding us at its inmate.

In the narrative found above, Joshua and the children of Israel had finally found themselves in the promise. Rivers had been crossed, land had begun to be taken. The promise passed down from Abraham was beginning to be realized. Just one problem. After 40 years of wandering in freedom from their affliction, Israel still carried the stigma of a slave. For 40 years of between prison and promises, the label never spoken but never fully let go of was wrapped in the single word: slave.

Today I have rolled away the reproach of Egypt from you. Joshua 5:9

Reproach is not commonly tossed around in our modern day American vernacular. Another translation of this same Hebrew word found in Joshua is “shame”. Shame we understand. Shame we can put flesh on. Shame we face daily in the mirror, in the workplace, in our lives. Shame is like an emotional shackle that tells us we are not enough of.

Shame is like an emotional shackle that tells us we are not enough of. Share on X

Not good enough.
Not skinny enough.
Not a present enough parent.
Do not provide or make enough.
Not enough of this or that. And never really will be.

Shame shouts the lack of enoughs into the canyon of souls allowing the echo off the walls to reverberate back over and over again.

Sitting on the precipice of promise still shackled to shame is where Israel finds themselves in the passage in Joshua. The odd thing is many, if not most of those who had crossed the Jordan River were not the same who had passed through the Red Sea. An entire generation was left deceased in the desert and another generation had been born. Yet, the implication of the text is that the shame of slavery was still their burden to bear even those who had never baked bricks for Pharaoh.

An entire generation was still shackled to the shame of their parents past.

This is the situation for a portion of the children of Israel. Sons and daughters who have never been slaves are unable to walk free. We can infer this from the text because Israel as a people have not been in Egypt for 40 years, but it is hard to remove 400 years of family history. A generation in the desert picked up the past shame and carried it into the promiseland.

Who’s shame have you picked up?

It is a student with a drunk parent, who is ashamed.
It is a spouse with who’s partner has been unfaithful, that hides the hurt from shame.
It is the parent with an addict for a son, who makes excuses for them because shame tells them they were the bad parent.

Shame is something we pick up, especially within the confines of relationships.

Our first scriptural instance of shame is in the Garden, where Adam and his wife had been naked and unashamed. After the Fall, they were hiding and had fashioned the first set of clothes mankind knew. God’s exact question to them was “who told you you were naked?”

Adam and Eve were unafraid of being seen, suddenly being seen was their greatest fear. So they did what all of us do when we feel shame, they hid. How do we quit hiding due to the shame of someone else?

How do you shed someone else’s shame?

Renew your heart

Shedding someone else’s shame takes a heart change to be willing to be seen, fully seen. It takes a spiritual cardiac surgery that faces the fear of rejection, criticism, and hurt to first come before God with “here I am, as I am” approach.

The Hebrew men would have to be circumcised at Gilgal in order to renew the Abrahamic Covenant. This symbolic physical act cut the ties to Egyptian ownership and once again made Yahweh their God. Paul challenges New Testament believers to have their heart circumcised. Our covenant connection with God is not one of physical act but an act of our spirit in accord with the Spirit (Romans 2:28-29).

In the same way physical circumcision requires being fully seen and exposed, circumcision of the heart requires the same level of vulnerability. It requires we be seen.

The heart surgery by the Spirit of God requires us to give him all of it – the good, the bad, the hidden hurts, the shames of our sins and those of who have sinned against us. In order to renew your heart God has to be given all of it.

Shedding someone else’s shame requires a new heart, a heart that releases yourself from the responsibility of someone else’s actions. More importantly a heart that releases someone else from “owing” you for what they have done. Please understand, hurt happens and is real. Yet, healing in your heart takes place with a renewed heart that releases you from feeling owed by the hurts they caused.

Note: this does not release someone from the natural consequences of their actions or from taking responsibility for them. It is simply a release of the debt you feel you are entitled to because of their actions. If you always feel owed by them, you will remain imprisoned to that emotion.

Change your mind

A good friend and my counselor finally convinced me that my emotions did not lie in heart as much as they were founded in my mind. It is the power of our thoughts that create the feelings we feel. Despite Israel’s 40 years of desert living, they stayed imprisoned by their past in Egypt. An entire nation set free still thought of themselves as slaves.

What we think, what we call ourselves, our internal self-talk founded in our thoughts creates the identity we see of ourselves. God can call you son or daughter, but if you still see yourself as a slave, you will never truly be free.

Throughout the New Testament the writers pen passages not simply about heart change, but a change of your mind.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest.” ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:” Philippians‬ ‭2:5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

How you think determines how you feel. Shame will whisper lies, you have to call them what they are: lies. Jesus said the truth sets us free. Truth changes our thinking from being imprisoned by shame to leaving it behind to live in the truth of Christ.

While Hip Hop group Geto Boys said “My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me”, the Apostle Paul said it this way “set your mind on things above” and “think on these things” whatever is noble, true, trustworthy, admirable.

Having a changed mind does not change the hurt, but it allows you no longer to be shackled to shame because the ability to see and speak truth changes the way you think.

If you want to be free from shame do this one thing: live in truth.

(To be continued.)